Beast And Bert Ridicule Portugeezers

There can't be a worse day to have to produce a blog. Everybody has now covered every angle of the thrashing of the neighbours on Saturday. The Henry and Wenger spat has been done to death.

So I thought I'd research Portuguese jokes in order to bring you all a bit of a laugh ahead of the vital Champions League clash in Porto. A word of advice to those who, like me, are unfamiliar with the subject. Don't! Sadly the Brazilians tell the same jokes about the Portuguese that Americans tell about Poles. In other words, dire.

I persuaded myself to watch Chelsea's game against Levski Sofia in the hope I could bring you a highly polished and insightful breakdown of our opponents on Sunday. They started with at least four players who are unlikely to feature against us which rendered that idea a bit of a time-waster.

Having said that I saw precious little to lose any sleep over, bar the obvious one. If I were responsible for drug-testing in British football I would have a whole squad of scientists on Drogba's case right now. This extremely ugly duckling has transformed, seemingly overnight, into a very dangerous swan indeed. Purposeful, and sure of touch, he bears no relation to the clumsy oaf we had become used to.

Other than him the most significant contribution to the Chavs 2-0 triumph was by little Shauny. The son of God appeared midway through the second-half and woke up a turgid affair with a wonderful strike for the second goal. Shame he won't see the light of day at the Bridge this weekend, or possibly ever again!

So that just leaves the confirmation that traces of Polonium have indeed been discovered at Ashburton Grove. Now I've never been a lover of continental sausage at the best of times but I know a man or two, who have been in the vicinity lately, who look as though they may well have been serial users of the substance. I look forward to reading in the morning papers that Martin Jol and Paul Robinson are helping the authorities with their enquiries.